Just For Fun

I think that building a casino in Fort Wayne is a great idea, but there is something missing from the business plan which could tremendously help the project. As has been mentioned on several other blogs, we all know that casinos attract pimps and drug dealers. Instead of wasting a lot of money paying the police to endlessly chase these guys around, I suggest we simply embrace it and make the most of it.

I propose that the City actively work to direct the existing vice and narcotics activity of Fort Wayne into the greater downtown area. Although we should put no limits on the number of pimps/dealers there, they will need to be licensed and regulated by the city to provide adequate coverage of all times and locations. A lot of pimps/dealers frequently take Monday off, using the opportunity to crash from a hard weekend. But if there is an event such as a ballgame or an Embassy performance on that night, we need to make sure there is someone there to cover it.

I would further propose that we even subsidize this activity using CEDIT money, so those taxpayers who are morally opposed to this proposal can be told “Don’t worry, at least it’s really not costing you anything.” This should not be a full subsidy though, as actually giving away drugs may cause non-users to try a hit just for the fun of it.

In my neighborhood, the Crackhead will normally spend his $20, get his rock, then immediately goes to an open garage or an empty lot with high weeds and chill for a while. But if we contribute $10 towards the purchase, that means the Crackhead will still have $10 left in his pocket after getting his hit. Since he is already downtown, it is logical to assume that he will go to a ballgame or to see all the pretty flowers at the botanical conservatory while he is there. This will stimulate the economy and help the downtown area grow strong.

While some may criticize this proposal because of the fact that people addicted to vices and narcotics are very likely to steal from other people, the greater point to realize here is that this already occurs. But currently, with the vice and narcotics activity mostly taking place in poorer areas of town, this means the addicts are stealing from people who already have little to give. After getting robbed for the third time in a month, and being down to one’s last few dollars, it is very likely that person will choose to spend the money on food rather than a ballgame.

But the average downtown consumer is from a much higher income bracket. His getting robbed will likely not have as strong an adverse impact upon discretionary spending. There probably is a point though where too many robberies against any particular individual might noticeably affect his spending habits.

Therefore, I propose that we regulate the robbers as well. A cap will first be placed upon the amount which can be stolen from each individual downtown consumer per week. I suggest that it be proportional to income, as that will allow maximum squeezing to occur. The total amount of allowable stolen money will then be equally divided among each robber who has applied for a permit as the maximum amount they are allowed to steal from consumers each week.

Now, to keep track of this, downtown consumers will have a digital barcode laser-etched into their forehead. Each robber who has applied for a permit will be given a small electronic device which, when waved across the consumer’s forehead, will automatically record the time, date and location of the transaction, as well as the name’s of both the consumer and the robber.

At that time, the electronic device will display both the amount of money the robber is still allowed to take in that week, as well as the amount of squeeze left in that particular consumer for the week. If different, the lower of these two numbers is what should be taken. The robber must manually enter the amount he is taking, and the consumer must verify this by entering his personal PIN code into the device.

The incentive for all parties to comply with this measure will be as follows. People who rob past their allotted amount will have their drug & prostitution privileges revoked. And consumers who refuse to get scanned will be beaten up and thrown in a ditch.

UPDATE:
Damn, I totally forgot that in order to get anything past the Council you first have to hire an expensive out of town consultant who will tell them with a straight face that one plus one equals three. Oh well, so much for my proposal.