Fort Wayne to Replace Sidewalks with Silly Putty

Representatives from the City of Fort Wayne, Indiana, today announced their bold initiative to replace all city sidewalks with silly putty within the next two years. This is being touted as another huge step towards making Fort Wayne a truly unique city. One Democratic council member was quoted as saying “Although it is obviously the fault of President Bush and Governor Daniels, the fact is that we are heading into a bad recession. This sidewalk program is exactly what we need to help us bounce back.”

Although one would naturally expect this multi-billion dollar project to have to pass through the state’s newly enacted referendum law for public projects, that point has been ruled moot. The sidewalk replacement project is being broken up into 35,782,367 individual works, each costing only a little over $1,000. City attorneys say it is their understanding that this law was designed to break huge projects up into smaller pieces, rather than actually submitting such projects to the voters for approval. One Republican former council member, commenting on the fact that this project is opposed by approximately 99.9% of the adult population, said “Those people don’t count because they just don’t understand silly-putty. All the children that I have spoken to think it’s a great idea.”

The bills were introduced before Council last week and are expected to be approved tonight. At the end of this meeting, concerned residents will be allowed to speak as to whether or not they think this project should be approved. When asked to comment on the fact that the citizenry will be allowed to voice their opinion only after the issue has been decided, the City Clerk was quoted as saying “That’s not my job!”

Many local bloggers have opined that they do not expect a large turnout at tonight’s council meeting because most people are astute enough to realize that it would just be a waste of time. A member of the Council responded to this by saying “It is such a shame that so many people choose to disengage themselves from the process.”

In other business, the Fort Wayne light ordinance was recently amended to prohibit the use of police spot-lights. One local citizen (criminal) was quoted as saying “Hey, why should I have to be uncomfortable just to ensure their safety? It ain’t right. And props to you, Marty B. for making my neighbors (victims) turn off those obnoxious outdoor lights on their houses.”

FWPD is officially supporting the light ban as a public safety issue. According to a spokesperson for the department “Everyone knows that if a criminal is caught in the act, he is likely to employ violent methods against the person who confronts him. By turning out the lights, this ensures that the criminals will be able to work unimpeded. By banning outdoor lights, the residents here will soon realize that criminals can easily take everything they own. As a result, we expect that people will stop buying expensive items to store in their houses, which of course is the real cause of the crime in the first place. If people have something valuable that they need to protect, they can easily rent a storage shed where it will be safe.” The spokesperson went on to remind that obnoxious outdoor lighting will still be allowed by businesses.

FWPD estimates that it will take less than a year after the implementation of the ban for residents to either move their valuables to a storage facility or to have them stolen. At that point, according to the spokesperson, the department will no longer have to contend with investigating home burglaries, which is estimated to cut their operating expenses by at least twenty percent. One local officer was quoted as saying “It would be so much easier if people would just leave their front doors unlocked. I don’t understand why some people try to fight the inevitable.”

Note: The above blog post is intended as satire.